ichhabdichlieb

what a shitty ass couple of days. piss me off. i found out that i have ovarian cists, and they hurt like fuck. well not anymore thank god theyre going away. i had my gyno appointment yesterday and it was the worst experience of my life. both the doctors were men, which i thought would be better but it was absolutely fucking NOT! one was the actual doctor, and the other one was a student. i kept jumping everytime he moved his hands and to make matters worse, the doc decided to say, "hey come over here and look at this" to the student, so he could see my cervix. im never fucking doing that AGAIN unless its a female doctor.
im actually babysitting my cousins daughter right now. shes such a good girl. all she does is walk around and play with toys and look at things. right now shes showing me a necklace she found.
i was going to make ham today but i dont know how many pounds it is so i cant really make it. ill ask my cuz when she gets here.
peace.

i feel like its been forever since ive posted.
me and josh have been fighting almost every single day for about a week. its always about something stupid and one of us ends up crying every time. last night we talked for hours afterwards and it helped tons. we figure that we fight so much because we never do anything fun together and we never talk anymore. he told me that he wants to marry me. he didnt really propose, he just said that and then said he wants to ask me when im 17ish and when mom would be more comfortable with it. i love him.
anyways sunday and monday i got blitzed out of my skull. i was so fucked up. im not going to do it anymore, especially because of how good were doing now after fighting so long. its not worth it.
the quitting smoking thing is not going too good at all. lol oh well.
ben is getting to be so smart it drives us crazy.
i have a new favorite song. snow by the red hot chili peppers. its incredible.
peace.

thought i would start out with something happy.
i had a really bad night last night. it started out really good, i was all happy and hyper all day and at about 10:00 i just crashed. no idea why. i didnt sleep very much again. im gonna need to start taking sleeping pills or something. anyways i guess it was because i started thinking and thats always a bad thing. i had a miscarriage about three weeks ago and i got really upset about it again last night. i mean i didnt want a kid but if i did i would love it and wanna keep it, ya know? it wasnt just that, it was other things too. i need to stop THINKING.
well brittany, my very best friend, and her boyfriend billy and this pretty cool guy kyle joined the explorers last night so that was pretty cool. kyle is one of lances good friends and we were talking about him alot and i think josh got pretty annoyed. kyle is gonna tell lance i said hi. i guess thats pretty wierd ...
ok i cant write - or type - anymore.
peace.

i dont know if i mentioned, but i found my german binder. just thought id slip that in.
lol peace

josh is spending the night again tonight. he should be here soon. ya know, i have no idea what i would do without him. im so messed up, he knows that, but he still treats me like he did before he really got to know me. i figured that when i started opening up to him he wouldnt treat me the same, that he wouldnt look at me the same. it amazes me that he doesnt and i love it.
ok ill stop being mushy. thats not really like me.
we got this really sweet game, it makes you really think. i love it. lol i cant remember what its called. weve played it twice today and were gonna play again when josh gets here.



that reminds me ... today we realized that my sister kayla spelled her name wrong on the white board. she spelled it kalya. its been up there for like two days and mom just noticed it tonight at dinner. we all laughed so hard and bekki choked. it was pretty funny.
amazing. haha.
i havent shaved my legs in like three days. im starting to grow a forest. lol whoo thats attractive. josh is gonna be SO pleased. lmao
peace.

i fell asleep at like 830 ish and i just woke up. i freaked out cuz the whole house was quiet and i was like omg where the hell is everybody! i thought it was like noonish. nothing really to say, not that tired anymore but gonna try to sleep again. its nice actually being able to sleep for once even if its only for like 4 hours or so.
peace.

mom is supposed to be going to the store to buy me a pack of cigarettes. shes being really slow about it though.


theres a pic of my cigarettes. well theyre not MINE persay but its the kind i smoke. they are smooth, rich, and mellow. lol
josh spent the night last night, cuz he had an appointment to get some shots for his emt class. i like it that he doesnt need to follow me around and bug me the whole time hes here, i do my thing and he does his. i mean we spend time together, but were not like together 24/7.
i think i will watch a clockwork orange again before we have to give it back. :(
this would be the perfect day to just hang out with my friends and burn a couple bowls. damn. oh well.
i didnt sleep again last night. i need to start doing something about this.
i beat god of war at 2:11 this morning. its a pretty sweet game. ill probably play it again.
ya know whats pretty sad ... my baby brother likes my boyfriend more than i do. hmmm ...
peace.

well i dont know what to say. dinner tonight was so FUCKING GROSS and i was looking forward to it. those damn frozen crockpot dinners. kiss my ass.
anyways.
josh is in the livingroom sleeping and im not the least bit tired.
i didnt put that lock on my door yet. no idea why.
anyways the quitting smoking thing isnt going too well. i really should quit. im only 16 and ive been smoking for three years now. sad.
i still need a title for my journal. hmmmmmmmm ...
im starving. damn commies. haha
i thing i will get some fruit loops, if i can get off my ass for 3 minutes.
the sports bra thing is going quite nicely, i have only worn a regular bra once since i got 'em. lol i know, maybe some people wouldnt want to know about my bras but they can kiss my quite nice puerto rican ass. haha


i was going to comment on this billboard but i couldnt because my mother was standing right behind me and she wouldnt have been pleased. what i was going to say was, "man i miss that". i used to smoke pot but josh told me that if i ever did again he would break up with me and never talk to me again. which i dont get because its no worse than smoking cigarettes and its tons more fun. oh well. if we ever break up im gonna get so baked i cant remember my own name. muahahahahaha
ok gonna eat now and try to sleep.
peace.

i would comment about that, but at the moment i cannot, due to certain people watching me.
josh probably isnt coming over this weekend, and this will be the FIRST weekend since september that we wont see each other. i have no idea what im going to do...
im probably going to go clean my room and then post again when my computer is hooked up.
mom gave me a lock to put on my door. what the hell is wrong with her? who in gods name would give their 16 year old daughter a lock to put on their bedroom door and say "here ya go, put this on your door."? i mean, im not that good as it is, and telling me to put a lock on my door will not make me any better. oh well this is in my favor so im not complaining.
josh just called and said he MIGHT come over tonight but hes not sure. hell, might is better than nothing.
peace.

well i watched a clockwork orange again. and his name is malcolm mcdowell. heres a pic of the most gorgeous man alive. or at least he was.


i want him!!!
i tried to put a recent pic of him on here but its not the right format.
im going to bed.
"Eggy weggs. I would like to smash them, and pick them up and thr-OW!!"
lol can anyone guess what thats from?
peace.

okay the greatest thing ever happened to me. i finally got to see a clockwork orange, which we ordered from netflix, and it was FUCKING incredible. ok ok it was a bit over acted and kinda poorly made but the story was incredible and malcolm macdowell is the hottest man ever. or was. and i think thats how you spell his name.
im not sure if i mentioned it, but im supposed to be quitting smoking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right. that is not going very well at all. oh well.
my brother has started saying "move" when he burps or farts, because when he does that or says move (like move outta the way) we tell him to say excuse me, but he cant say that, so he gets confused. hes adorable.

i absolutely love those billboards.
well we got roadrunner and cable and a phone (FINALLY) so im going to go watch tv for the first time in 8 months.
peace.

me and mom went shopping last night and i got a whole bunch of stuff to make a scrapbook. i did eight pages since 9 o clock last night. but now im out of paper ... so sad. i still have a lot of ideas. im thinking about using computer paper.
tomorrow is v-day. whoop de fricken doo. i got josh a rose. haha well now im the dumbest AND the corniest person in the world. maybe i should get him a card.
i got some cute sports bras and theyre very comfortable. i think im going to switch to sports bras indefinitely now.

okey dokey.


tee hee i love that one.

well i gotta make dinner and clean and maybe do some more of my scrapbook with the computer paper. who knows.
peace.

oh wow i am SO BORED!
i have decided to put some of my favorite websites in here, so that anyone who bothers to read the bullshit i write will be able to see some of the best sites EVER!
here goes.

http://www.postsecret.com
^^ people anonomously mail in their deepest darkest secrets, hopes, dreams, wishes, or desires to this man, frank, and some he puts on this site, and the others he puts into books, of which there are currently three, i think. i have one. some of the secrets are scary, some are sad, some are funny, and some, you have to really think about. i seriously would love to meet this man.

http://www.adamsexplorers.com
^^ this is the explorer group i belong to. i made some great friends and they were the only people that were there for me when life was going really shitty. i dont know what i would do without them. other than that, im going to be a fireman (NOT firefighter) and ive learned alot in the short time ive been in the explorers.

http://www.bored.com
^^ i go here when im EXTREMEMLY bored, although it doesnt really change very much and the site its self gets to be kinda boring.

well thats all the sites i have for now.
me and josh are trying to quit smoking. ive been a smoker for 3 years and its extremely hard but as long as josh is quitting with me its a bit easier.
im going to be getting my permit soon. im not too worried, cuz i know how to drive and im good at it. the only thing im worried about is like knowing what all the roadsigns mean.
i need to find a way to make everything i write orange. how sweet would that be!
oh i almost forgot ... theres this movie that i want to see so bad its called A Clockwork Orange and i cant find it in any stores. ive seen parts of it on google video and its pretty nuts and i wanna see it SO BAD! im becoming obsessed ...!
oh yeah heres a sweet pic before i go ...


tee hee

oh yeah and the song im listening to, is mine and josh's song. you should watch the video, its about a fireman. SAH-WEET!
peace lol

im wearing my crotch pants. :D ok theyre my favorite pajama pants and the whole crotch part is ripped out. dont worry lol im wearing boxers underneath.
josh is here hes sitting behind me playing xtreme legends 5. its a pretty sweet game ... well i like it anyways and im pretty picky about video games.
i had a really wierd dream last night - i was looking EVERYWHERE for my german binder and i coulnt find it. the wierd thing about it though was that i really am looking for it in real life. hmmm.
i ACTUALLY cleaned my room today. amazing. its not totally done yet but, hell, at least i did it. hell must have frozen over.
josh rented this movie ... and i really cant remember what its called ... but it looks good and i cant wait to see it.
something hilarious but not really hilarious happened today. me and ben and bekki were sitting on the couch and ben had a fork in his hand, and he just stabbed me with it right in my head. that fucker hurt like a sonofabitch. i REALLY REALLY didnt mean to but i just turned around and smacked him, and i did it really hard. i felt SO bad. but it was just reflex. i tried to explain to him that he hurt me and i hope he understood.
peace.

okay this is MY truck (not really but i wish, how sweet would that be)
im on the phone with josh and we have absolutely NOTHING to say to each other. like always. i really want some dunkin donuts, which reminds me ...

RAOFLMAO that is just too funny.
i have no idea what to do. we are just not exciting. i dont want to be one of those cliche girlfriends that cry because her boyfriend doesnt talk to her anymore, but that is what i am leaning toward right now.
peace.

yah i know the subject is retarded but thats just about how creative i am. it means number two, by the way.
my last entry probably says that i wrote it today, but it was actually last night. it only saved it as a draft because right when i went to save it, the internet completely quit on me. bastards!
when i was younger i wanted to be quarterback for the miami dolphins. i was, and still am, in love with football. i mean come on how AWESOME would it be to replace dan marino? lol that would be sweet, crazy as it is. but anyways since thats not gonna happen im going to stick with firefighting, which, in my opinion, is better anyways. you cant really save peoples lives playing football.
Benjamin, my little brother, has taken to carrying around this little doll. its his baby. Benji is so adorable although he is extremely spoiled (not by mom or his dad or the girls, but by me - and i deffinitely know that i will pay for that in the near future.). hes making bekki feed his baby lasagna. he calls his penis his piece *giggles* hes almost two but hes pretty smart and were trying to potty train him but hes terrified of the potty and would rather pee everywhere and on everything than in the potty. right now hes throwing a fit. its a good thing hes cute.

okay okay. first of all, i am not going to do all that punctuation bullshit because that takes WAY too much time. and i dont feel like it anyways. and second, i cant think of anything to say. im on the phone with my boyfriend and im kinda distracted. im tired as hell but of course i cant sleep (like always) so i called josh and started this. im holding the cotton candy scented teddybear that shane gave me for v-day last year.
ok well my name is emily or em ... i hate my name because it has three syllables and i have no idea what mutter (aka mom) was thinking when she named me that.
josh just told me that v-day is next week and now were arguing about it. i hate it and he doesnt understand why. whatever.
anyways i want to be a firefighter (AFD #1) and i am in the explorers which is for jr. firefighters ... sorta like a pre-training thing. anyways im in love with it. okay i also am in love with the german language (hence the name, which says i love you in german) and someday i want to go to both germany and egypt.
okay im done for now. maybe tomorrow ill write something a bit more interesting.
peace.